The Genesis of Wife-Mother crisis and solutions.

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Mother in law and daughter in law crisis is a renowned and prevalent issue among many families. Since time immemorial, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have been fighting, and they will continue to fight. But what is the way forward? Meaning, how do we address this problem without too much bloodshed? Today we will look at the causes of this crisis and how to overcome them as a husband, wife or mother.

The Causes of the Problem.

1. In most of the cases, the problem starts right from the beginning, even before the couple get married. Some of the points we must note include instances when the man brings the girl that nobody likes, and he insists on getting married to her despite his family's distaste for her.

2. Many loving mothers find it threatening to see their child leaving them for a woman. They find it very difficult to accept the reality that a child is someone's husband, and surely someday he will leave home to his beloved wife.

3. Another significant factor is family conflicts. When both families started the marriage initiative with a conflict such as disagreements for marriage arrangements, too many demands, dishonesty and so on. Thereafter, things start to move in the wrong direction; hence, such memories live in everyone's heart forever.

4. After the marriage, when as a man you fail to organise yourself and play diplomatic moves, you end up in trouble. What I mean by that is, some men, they just can't stop talking about their mother and how much she means to them in front of their wives. Likewise, some men wont just control themselves when talking about their wives in front of their mothers. This creates unwanted jealousy and disharmony amongst the two of them.

5. When a mother always thinks her daughter-in-law is there to take her son away, it becomes difficult to let peace reign. Likewise, when the wife sees that the son is always giving his mother attention and not her, she gets annoyed and starts to burst her concern.

6. When a husband talks about how he buys gifts for his wife in front of his mother, or how they plan their honeymoons and outings, or how they plan to buy new stuff or how his wife has been very helpful in managing his wealth. Surely mothers feel something profound, something like, “she is in control of my son”. Henceforth, she makes it her mission to destroy the son's wife. Likewise, when a husband always talks about how he spends on his mother and siblings, it becomes challenging for the wife to bear especially if she is not the understanding type.

7. When both you and your parents live in the same house, chances for crisis are very high. Bcos they always try to find a fault in what she does. They try to use her as if she is a maid or slave girl.

8. When all of them are not religious, and they don't understand their responsibilities and boundaries, things tend to go crazy, because women will always compete over men, which is unfortunate because it always doesn't end well.

The Solutions.

1. A good child should always go with the interest of his family when it comes to the choice of a wife. Because your wife is not only married to you; she is also married to your family; they are her new family now. When you bring a girl, and your parents show a lack of support, the best is to leave her and find another one. Else, the consequences of this crisis will not only affect you both, but it will affect your children and their entire generation (GOD FORBID). In the end, your children will not have grandparents.

2. As a mother, you should remember that when you got married to your husband, he was also someone else's son. And his mother loved him too, but she let him went to you because she knew that was the right thing to do. Remember marriage is part of his religion, so don't be selfish. Allow your child to exercise his religious rights.

3. When conflict erupts during pre-marriage stage, try to reconcile the two before you proceed to the next stage. This is very important. Meet together and settle your scores. Let peace reign. Else....

4. As a man, try to understand that women feel jealous naturally. So it is a mistake to talk about your mother a lot in front of your wife. Likewise your wife in front of your mother. Your love for your mother should naturally be higher, but you don't need to tell your wife about it, bcos she knows. And never compare your mother with your wife or vice versa. Don't call your wife with names such as sweetie and darling in front of your family members, always remain neutral. This will create harmony between them. As a wife, never expect your husband to love you more than his mum, that is selfish. Accept reality. Everyone has their place and status. Mother got her status from Allah ta'alah. So never cross that line. Take your eyes away from son and mother affairs.

5. As a mother respect your self, your daughter-in-law is not your race opponent and vice versa. The moment you feel she is a threat, then say A’uzubillah ... because shaitan is distorting your mind. Never put your nose where it doesn't belong. Else, your reputation will be dragged on the floor, and there is nothing you can do about it. And Stay away from putting eyes on their affairs. Let them be; you also had your time. As for you, husband, fear Allah and balance your duties and love.

6. When you intend to buy something for your wife or mother, or you intend to travel, or you intend to do something extraordinary, shut your mouth. Do it silently, and you need not to always inform one of them. Never tell your mother how much you spend on your wife or your wife how much you spend on your mother.

7. When both of you live together, separate their kitchen, if you cant, never make it your wife's responsibility to take care of your family. It is not her duty. Make your family understand that your wife is not a slave or maid; otherwise, they will exploit her and feel she has a duty to discharge. Mufti Menk gives a lecture on this topic, find it and listen. And don't judge your wife just because your mother says this or that, mothers can be crooks. Don't believe every word they say, dig up, investigate before you act. Many marriages today were dissolved bcos they mother in law does not like the wife.

8. When you get married, if possible, take the bold step and tell your wife her duties as a daughter in law, and be honest to her. Her duty is only to respect your parents, treat them kindly and generously, but not to serve them, or cook for them for the entire lifetime. This is very common today, as soon as a wife is brought in, everyone thinks their new maid has arrived.

9. Sharing your marital problems with your family can harm your wife’s relationship with your family, especially your mother, sometimes when you fight and reconcile, it is difficult for your family to reconcile with your wife. So the best is, don’t always talk about your differences unless necessary.

By Allah, there is going to be judgement between parents and their children in the day of judgement. By Allah, there shall be justice between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. If you are such bad mother-in-law, quit your habit and seek forgiveness and repent. Likewise, if you are that husband who does not balance between his parents and his wife, then remember, Allah's punishment awaits you. Likewise, if you are such daughter in law or wife, that troubles everyone, fear Allah and stay within your limits.

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